Reality Show Review

The Bachelor

We met Jake last season when he was a contestant on the Bachelorette. At first I was all like, yea Jake, when they shared that first dance. Then he got all emotional. Like, way over the top emotional. Part of my brain exploded when he cried over the balcony after he tried to warn Jill of Country Music boy's wandering ways. Here's a tip guys, never cry in a dramatic fashion over any balcony, especially one that looks like a renovated Motel 6.

Fast forward to the Monday night premier when suddenly Jake has been selected because of an "overwhelming demand" for him to be the next bachelor. What woman is demanding that Jake be the next bachelor? Are you out there? He's just too... vanilla. I'm not saying a want a man who beats me and demands I pour him whiskey shots, but I also don't want a man who acts like that beaver cleaver guy on the Cialis commercial either.

As if my brain wasn't permanently pock marked with the image of Jake crying over the balcony, they had to add two more vomit inducing scenes to Monday's episode.

1) Jake sawing planks of wood
2)Jake riding up on his motorcycle to meet the girls as they came out of the limo.

Oh Bachelor producers... how I love you!

It's almost as if they were like, we know you're a douche (in a nice guy sort of way) but we need to make you look like more of a bad boy douche. Let's see, what can we do.... hmmmmm. I've got it. How about you saw wood with your shirt off? Then Jake asks what he's making that requires wood to be sawed by HAND? They ultimately conclude that it doesn't matter. It's just the act of sawing wood with your shirt off that will make your pecs bounce. Well played ABC.

The girls were desperate to say the least. Nearly everyone came bearing some sort of sentimental chotchkie. A display of who can out do the previous girl in seeming more like "my biological clock is TICKING."

My personal favorite was this tiny Cambodian girl who said something in Cambodian to Jake and then teased him by telling him he had to come find her to see what it meant. I think America was expecting her to have said something like, my heart has lead me here to find my true love's kiss, or something equally demure. Later in the night she reveals that what she said translated to "you can land your plane on my landing strip any time." Wha wha WHAT! Holy shit Cambodia, you just made me fall in love with you! She became my favorite, until she didn't make it past round one.

Other highlights included

*The girl who lost her shit after she kissed Jake
*The girl who was crying because she was "here for the right reasons" and didn't get to spend enough time with Jake at the cocktail party
*The normal bachelor music was changed to the musak version of on the wings of love.

To read another (funnier) version of the bachelor review, click HERE